photo credit: h.koppdelaney
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ego. Ego who?
A few years back a colleague asked me if I was interested in opening a BodyTalk clinic. I was so honored! “Wow, I must be really good if she wants to go into business with me”, I thought. And with each conversation I felt more and more important. Never mind that my heart felt flat, I had people to see and places to go! My ego was bursting at the seems with pride. So I did what any good natured Aries would do. I put blinders on my heart and dove right in, no questions asked.
We spent days, weeks, and months dreaming, planning, and considering all the “what ifs”. This was a magical time and I could literally feel all my neurons making connections like wild fire.
Yet the further we got into the project, the more I began to pull back. As time went on and plans turned into commitments I felt the familiar dread of being on a ride I couldn’t get off.
It was fun imagining myself in a bigger, fancier office. I could see myself swirling about, greeting clients, asking my receptionist to “hold my calls” (see, my ego was really running amok here). My collaborative juices were salivating at the thought of working with like-minded people. Not to mention the fun of playing house in a new space.
But another part of me just didn’t feel right. This part was giving excuses, dragging her feet, finding fault, not replying to emails, and hiding in bed with the covers over her head.
Ah, she’s just a naysayer
This is a classic case of he said, she said. Otherwise known as conflict between the head and the heart. My head ego was so busy trying on this new lifestyle, feeling important, puffing up like a peacock it couldn’t, wouldn’t listen to my heart. And boy did I pay the price. I lost a friendship and respect.
My poor heart. Sometimes I just need to give it a little hug. It works so hard, giving me feelings that will always, always point me in the right direction. And this time I didn’t listen to it. Sort of like the toddler who keeps pulling on his mother’s arm “Mommy! Mommy! I really need to GO!” But mommy doesn’t listen, and neither did I.
Believe it or not I waited until the very day we were to sign the lease to fess up. I finally told my partner that I wanted out, my heart just wasn’t in it. Was she mad? Yes! Confused? Yes! Hurt? Yes! And who could blame her?
The heart knows, what the heart knows
Here is what my heart had to say: It likes freedom. It’s independent. It likes to do its own thing. It likes to figure problems out on its own. It likes to run through fields with out a care in the world. Or a watch.
My heart does not want to know what it’s doing a year from now or even a week from now.
This is where to start
But how do we improve our lives without setting goals or making commitments? You listen to your heart first. First. Really. First. The mistake I made is one that many people make. I made my decision from my head before my heart. Your heart and the feelings it gives you is your starting place.
If you struggle with procrastination, follow through, or finishing jobs chances are you have inadvertently put blinders on your heart. So go ahead and take them off and let your heart run free.